Keeping Expectations Low ...

Tonight is the penultimate episode of LOST. (In case you didn't know, penultimate means "next to last" and every time you use it you sound instantly smart.)

Last week I anticipated 'Across the Sea' to be an all-time classic, and instead I got an all-time fart. Just one long 60 minute fart of an episode.

So tonight, I'm keeping my hopes low and my expectations lower.

Traditionally, my LOST compatriots (which consist of me, Alie, and Crazy Keith) adhere to several watching rules. No talking during the show, only during commercials. No talking about anything other than LOST between the hours of 8:59 and 10:10. Never answer your phone, no matter who's calling. Don't even think about it. Unless it's a commercial, and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the call is pertaining to LOST, and in that case you better keep the conversation under 30 seconds. No going to the bathroom unless it's at the start of the first commercial, otherwise you might miss something. And the final and most important rule, if you miss something, it's your fault, do not expect a recap, especially during the show. You pay the price for your own slowness in the bathroom. You want to know what happened, learn to pee faster.

Those are the rules, and they may explain why our LOST party is always just 3 people.

Tonight, in light of last week's colossal disappointment, I might just scrap the rules completely, and watch LOST while simultaneously talking about football, eating crunchy chips, surfing the web, and filling out a crossword puzzle. I'll probably walk in and out of the room at my leisure, regardless of if the show is on or not. I might just go for a stroll around the block, and if I miss the rest of the show, so be it.

What could I possibly miss? More stupid vague crap? More intentional provoking of a loyal fan base that deserves some damn answers? More stupid bull crap from writers who are in way over their heads?

Actually, I probably won't go for a walk around the block, in light of the fact that there was a double shooting on my street last week Friday. No one was killed, but an SUV was attacked and then sped away after someone punched through the window. I know this because I saw it on the news, and also because Alie and I were driving down Logan Street when it happened, and we saw the guy punch through the window, and then we were almost hit by the speeding away SUV while our 5-month old baby was in the back seat. So yeah, it's a good thing we're moving this weekend.

Anyway, back to LOST, tonight's episode is called 'What They Died For.'

No idea who the episode revolves around, but my guesses would be either A. Jack, or B. No one. More likely, I think it'll be an episode that focuses primarily on the flash sideways, and hopefully answers a butt-load of questions raised in Timeline B.

Where is Christian's body? What's up with the scars on Jack's neck and stomach? What IS Timeline B?

As it stands now, Desmond, Hurley and Faraday know what's going on, and no one else does, although several people are getting close. Sayid is in Sawyer's custody, and so is Kate. Jack, Locke, Sun and Jin are at the hospital. Miles is Sawyer's sidekick, Ben knows Desmond drove into Locke so he might be helping the police (AKA Sawyer) hunt down Desmond, and Desmond still has the manifest and may be planning a visit to his next target. Also we're still waiting on the Juliet appearance, which should wake up Sawyer and be a pretty touching reunion.

My feeling is that the writers know how bad they messed up in 'Across the Sea,' and even before it aired they knew it was going to disappoint. Thus, they probably allowed for at least 2 or 3 major crowd-pleasers in 'What They Died For,' in an effort to appease the fans and get us to forget about the awful attempt at explaining the Island's mysterious past.

I'm the most stubborn and angry of LOST fans, I'm pretty sure, so tonight better kick some serious butt to get me to forget about last week.

Juliet better show up and talk to Sawyer. That's 1.

The outrigger shootout must finally be revealed. That 2.

And they have to do something significant and major in explaining what the flash-sideways is, how it came to be, and why everything is different. That would be 3.

The Juliet thing is a given, either this week or next. The outrigger thing is also a necessity, and I think it'll happen tonight. As for some Timeline B answers, I don't think we'll get much tonight, and most of that will be saved for the grand finale.

My thoughts on the outrigger shootout - Ben, Richard and Miles are leaving the Barracks while guns and explosives ready, and they're paddling over to hydra island. On the way, they see a boat and assume it's Widmore's people, or maybe Flocke's people, and after a bit of deliberation, they open fire. They take a few shots, get shot at a few times, and the other boat vanishes. Miles gets a look of understanding and says to the other two, "Uh, guys, I think we were just shooting at ... me ..."

Other possiblities: the time-traveling Losties actually hit one of the guys, most likely Ben, and possibly even kill him. This would be crazy, but would make it more understandable why we've been waiting to see the outrigger shootout for like 25 episodes. Or, maybe they hit Miles, and ironically Miles dies in a shootout with his self, or actually I think Sawyer was the only one who fired from the original outrigger.

One thing's for sure, when they do 'Previously, On LOST' we'll know if the outrigger shootout will be tonight within a few seconds.

That's pretty much all I have for now. Here's hoping tonight's penultimate episode makes up for last week's ultimate crap episode.